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As I approach my mid-twenties, dating has become ever the effervescent topic amongst my peers. We're always talking about relationships, situationships, or at the very least, being in the Hinge trenches.
I've never really been desperate to be in a relationship or felt it was something I needed, but I've never been fully against it either. My indifference to dating has always been considered an anomaly. My friends and family have often looked at me in pity when I bluntly state that I've never had a proper boyfriend, even though I myself don't really find anything wrong with it.
I've never really paid much mind to the comments of others, but the matter of dating has slowly crept its way into the insecurities in my mind. As I get older, I've slowly grown more resentful of the expectation for me to settle down with a partner in the future, and I wondered why that was.
Part of it is, of course, how society at large views having a romantic partner as the single most important relationship in your life. It is an unspoken rule that you will put your partner before every other human relationship, barring perhaps your parents - and sometimes even them. I've heard time and time again how many women become isolated when they're in relationships because their lives become solely about their partners. You would never ask your friend to move halfway across the world with you, but with a partner, it's almost expected. Some people will forgive their partners for almost anything, but cut off their friends for much lesser "sins". My friends are the most important people in my life (barring my mother), but I often feel like I'm asking too much of them because I am only their friend and not their significant other.
Of course, I want my friends to be happy and will support them in any healthy relationship. However, the realisation that if I do not strap in and find a significant other eventually, despite no real desire to do so, my friends will inevitably move on with their own partners and I’ll be left behind. Maybe that assumption is unfair to my friends, but the fear lingers.
Women, particularly, have a "shelf life" on how socially acceptable it is for them to be single. How long will my indifference to dating be seen as the cute naivete of my early twenties? How many years do I have before I am seen as a sad, lonely woman, no matter how successful I am? Independence is only admirable when it’s temporary, something to be “grown out of” before it becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable to those watching.
Dating in itself has never felt desirable to me. Of course, I do love my fictional husband Zayne (yes I will insert LADS into this post) and I enjoy fantasising about my fictional relationships. But dating in real life feels like its own monster, and not one that I feel has more benefits than cons. I have almost never looked at my friends' relationships and felt envious of what they have. Which isn't a dig at how awful their relationships are, but rather an observation of how, when I take societal expectations out of the equation, I truly do not have that much of an interest in dating.
Perhaps part of it is also the societal norms forced on heterosexual dating. There is so much emphasis on how different men and women are; men are relaxed and women are uptight; men care too little and women too much; men are into sports and women are into makeup and fashion. Heterosexual people talk about dating and marriage like it's a life sentence - there's no shortage of jokes about how men lose their freedom once they settle down. That’s not to say every relationship fits this mould, of course. But as someone who works in a cafe and overhears conversations every day, these patterns are still very much alive in how people talk, behave, and relate to each other. I don't understand why I'm supposed to want a partner when everyone says we will never understand each other fully because men and women are too different. Why am I supposed to want a man when every woman I know complains they can’t plan dates, are emotionally unavailable, or still hung up on their ex, or think foreplay is just a suggestion?
Being on Hinge in itself feels like a humiliation ritual. I feel like I'm putting myself up for auction and the only people who are bidding on me are the ones who you can smell from a mile away. I don't want to compromise who I am, but if I don't market myself well enough, then I only attract people who need deodorant sprayed on them during anime conventions. Even if I find someone better looking with a seemingly better personality, there's no guarantee we will mutually like each other. Even if we mutually like each other, there's no guarantee they will want to be in a relationship, even if their profile says they're looking for one. There's no shortage of nightmare stories from girls I know in real life where the man has left them hanging, then found another girlfriend one month after, or they've lied about their age by about ten years and she only found out by looking at his age on his medicine bottle, or they've sent my friend a screenshot of an email saying "someone wants to tell you you might have chlamydia" and asked if it was her that sent it.
I don't know why I'm supposed to want this. But I know I'm supposed to. And that often leaves me feeling like a defective reject from a toy factory. As I say this, I flick through Hinge and wonder how on earth I'm supposed to feel anything from this.
I've never really been desperate to be in a relationship or felt it was something I needed, but I've never been fully against it either. My indifference to dating has always been considered an anomaly. My friends and family have often looked at me in pity when I bluntly state that I've never had a proper boyfriend, even though I myself don't really find anything wrong with it.
I've never really paid much mind to the comments of others, but the matter of dating has slowly crept its way into the insecurities in my mind. As I get older, I've slowly grown more resentful of the expectation for me to settle down with a partner in the future, and I wondered why that was.
Part of it is, of course, how society at large views having a romantic partner as the single most important relationship in your life. It is an unspoken rule that you will put your partner before every other human relationship, barring perhaps your parents - and sometimes even them. I've heard time and time again how many women become isolated when they're in relationships because their lives become solely about their partners. You would never ask your friend to move halfway across the world with you, but with a partner, it's almost expected. Some people will forgive their partners for almost anything, but cut off their friends for much lesser "sins". My friends are the most important people in my life (barring my mother), but I often feel like I'm asking too much of them because I am only their friend and not their significant other.
Of course, I want my friends to be happy and will support them in any healthy relationship. However, the realisation that if I do not strap in and find a significant other eventually, despite no real desire to do so, my friends will inevitably move on with their own partners and I’ll be left behind. Maybe that assumption is unfair to my friends, but the fear lingers.
Women, particularly, have a "shelf life" on how socially acceptable it is for them to be single. How long will my indifference to dating be seen as the cute naivete of my early twenties? How many years do I have before I am seen as a sad, lonely woman, no matter how successful I am? Independence is only admirable when it’s temporary, something to be “grown out of” before it becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable to those watching.
Dating in itself has never felt desirable to me. Of course, I do love my fictional husband Zayne (yes I will insert LADS into this post) and I enjoy fantasising about my fictional relationships. But dating in real life feels like its own monster, and not one that I feel has more benefits than cons. I have almost never looked at my friends' relationships and felt envious of what they have. Which isn't a dig at how awful their relationships are, but rather an observation of how, when I take societal expectations out of the equation, I truly do not have that much of an interest in dating.
Perhaps part of it is also the societal norms forced on heterosexual dating. There is so much emphasis on how different men and women are; men are relaxed and women are uptight; men care too little and women too much; men are into sports and women are into makeup and fashion. Heterosexual people talk about dating and marriage like it's a life sentence - there's no shortage of jokes about how men lose their freedom once they settle down. That’s not to say every relationship fits this mould, of course. But as someone who works in a cafe and overhears conversations every day, these patterns are still very much alive in how people talk, behave, and relate to each other. I don't understand why I'm supposed to want a partner when everyone says we will never understand each other fully because men and women are too different. Why am I supposed to want a man when every woman I know complains they can’t plan dates, are emotionally unavailable, or still hung up on their ex, or think foreplay is just a suggestion?
Being on Hinge in itself feels like a humiliation ritual. I feel like I'm putting myself up for auction and the only people who are bidding on me are the ones who you can smell from a mile away. I don't want to compromise who I am, but if I don't market myself well enough, then I only attract people who need deodorant sprayed on them during anime conventions. Even if I find someone better looking with a seemingly better personality, there's no guarantee we will mutually like each other. Even if we mutually like each other, there's no guarantee they will want to be in a relationship, even if their profile says they're looking for one. There's no shortage of nightmare stories from girls I know in real life where the man has left them hanging, then found another girlfriend one month after, or they've lied about their age by about ten years and she only found out by looking at his age on his medicine bottle, or they've sent my friend a screenshot of an email saying "someone wants to tell you you might have chlamydia" and asked if it was her that sent it.
I don't know why I'm supposed to want this. But I know I'm supposed to. And that often leaves me feeling like a defective reject from a toy factory. As I say this, I flick through Hinge and wonder how on earth I'm supposed to feel anything from this.
